I need some summer. I need to be bored and aimless.

Shall we wander?

Whoa, that was close.
For approximatly two days i though perhaps i had a thing for someone my own age, but as soon as i said something about it, it became evident that i am simply a girl from Oswego, which means that my friends are either dating all the good ones here, or are the good ones here. Aka, i do not have a thing for him, which is kind of a relief. No, it is a relief.

I am a little messed, aren't i? but there is nothing like a relationship to put a damper on what i want to do right now.

The girls and i were talking about how they say that you will marry someone like your father. Which is TERRIFYING...Because most of our fathers are fuck ups. some of them meant well, and some of them didn't, but man, it's amazing how much parents can fuck up a kids life.

I don't want to date right now, but man, i am soooo looking forward to being married some day.
So i guess that is one decision i am not allowed to fuck up.

Some things that make life good:

Bread , dancing
spicy food, flowers
Woody Allen, comic strips
bubbles , sleep overs
black and white movies,
too loud music, books
rain , gaudy jewelry
boys ,girls
men ,women
car chase scenes and action movies
culture ,road trips
youth ,comfy jeans
TPFs , best friends
beaches , ice cream
waterbeds ,cameras
thrift stores ,disney movies
Jacob Dylan ,bath toys
thunderstorms ,siblings
chopsticks ,hugsandkisses
energy drinks ,museums
traveling ,french fries
bacon ,jokes
the sound of cutting construction paper
sand ,glitter
fire ,cinnamon toast
cities ,the ocean
dreams ,baths
art ,smut
candy ,moderate indecency
cardboard figurines of famous persons
Colin Firth, Alan Rickman, Liam Neeson, and Gabriel Byrne
Van Gogh ,tuna fish
seasons music

Peanut Butter and Jelly.

i feel bad.

Of all the things i have tried to work on this year, it was to become more open-minded and less cynical, and to a huge extent i succeeded. But i have many younger friends, that all go through shit from time to time, and when it happens i tend to roll my eyes and sigh about the drama of high school.

but i kinda forgot what it's like.

I kind of forgot how lost you feel when you're in that place in your life, and how hard it is to feel like you belong, and it makes it worse because you know that everyone goes through that phase, and you are just one of millions of hopelessly lost and unhappy, flawed humans.
I forgot how bad breakups hurt, even if it's out of a dumb relationship where nothing happened and the boy was mean.
I forgot how fun it is to be wordy and poetic, just because you are good at it.
I forgot how fucking awful parents can be.
I forgot how sometimes people create drama because they need to feel like they CAN feel, and are afraid that somewhere along the way they will get stuck in mediocrity and fade into the background.
I forgot how sometimes you say yes, just to have someone to hold you when you feel like you are going invisible.
I just forgot. And i guess i am kind of sorry. But more i just want to say that i understand. And just know that it will pass and there is a place to be happy.

a very wise, bearded choir teacher once told me that the hardest part of growing up is finding out who you want to be, and to be it. and i've got that almost down. So it can happen, and sometimes getting there is hard, and it's hard and it sucks and you want to give up and stop speaking to people and just write and sleep and read for the rest of your life. Which you could do, i suppose. And then you would never go to a party, or really kiss someone, or go to concerts or dances or restaurants, or enjoy life...
So you do get to decide. You could give up and wimp out.
Or you can live.

Its hard. Its growing up.
It's life, and more often than you expect, there will be genuinely pure happiness.
It is there. It just kind of takes awhile to find.

This post is to assure you that i haven't given up blogging.
but for once i don't have anything to say.

These are the things i think about when i have too much to do.



For one year:
I am going to become a barista in San Francisco and date a tall, built guy named Derrick with blue eyes and a little facial hair. We will listen to a lot of Grateful Dead and wear baggy jeans and tank tops of our favorite bands. He will take me to concerts and make sure no one steps on me there because they are drunk. We will go to the beach a lot, and read a lot. We will learn to salsa and to tango, and how to make perfect spaghetti sauce, and how to speak Japanese. He will tuck my hair behind my ears, and not lie about whether or not clothes make me look weird. We will also listen to Tool, when we are feeling crazy, and Billie Holiday and Bessie Smith when we are feeling bluesy. And he will know who Stuart Murdock is and that the coolest movie ever has yet to be discovered.
and we will love eachother, and California will love us. And it would be nice.

Well.
I have been to exactly one worthwhile party this summer, and it involved a lot of ...knitting sweaters for orphans.
I have responsibility this summer!!!!!
Pride and Prejudice will be sweet, Beauty and the Beast should be fucking cool, marching band looks good, and speech will be sweet because Cabrini Green and i are doing a DDA. And i am in charge in all of those deals in one place or another except in Pandp.
Prairie Fest is next weekend, and since i was born into the position of parking and cleaning staff, i shall be all but nonexistent. I have something like a twelve hour workday?
I keep hearing about some of my friends partying their brains out, but honestly, i am having a good time with this. I really like teaching, and right now, just about everything i do involves just that. It's cool to be able to do something i enjoy that actually means something to other people.

That being said...Cav, Li, Kelsey, Heather, Danni, Em Steele,Tori, and anyone i missed...In a week and a half i expect to be making pancakes and disney movies and air hockey with each and every one of you.
OK? ok.

what else?

What would inspire one to get their backs pierced twelve times and dangle from a helicopter?
What?
Bad parenting?
Anger at the government?
To support the helicopter industry?
Angst?
To get the chicks?

I know that's what i want in a man.
someone who will pierce ridiculous parts of their bodies and dangle hundreds of feet above the ground for me.
Where are you prince charming?

What's to be said.

I am not a terribly interesting person right now, after spending eight hours on a history project yesterday.

But only 3 more hours of junior year. Then i am a senior. And i think i've done ok. I love the kids in the stuff i do, i know what i want to major in, and this summer looks like it will be very...eventful, and i expect you all to contribute to that eventfulness.

I mean it. Lets party. What are you doing tomorrow?