Damn, i read my old xanga, and discovered that i wrote so well in it. I was honest and open and it was pretty. So i have made a vow to be more honest in my blogging, but no guarentees about the eloquence. Here is what is on my mind.

This year i have found out a lot about people i thought i knew. I set myself up for failure from the start by assuming that i could know anyone, but there it was, and i did. My family turns out to be quite different than what i thought it was. A man i looked up to turned out to be only a man and nothing more. And some kids i thought i knew turned out to be very disappointing.

"I don't know what i can save you from."

I finally realized that you can only save the ones who want to be saved. Some people like to be sad or angry or confused. They would never admit it right out, but deep down, they feel within the realm of safety to have that pain in them. Its safer than numbness, and it fuels that self-preserving anger that we all pretend we don't understand. They figure they'll be kicked down, might as well stay there.
But i keep backing myself into corners by loving these people. i can't save them, and what is more, it's not my job to.

When i was a wee freshman i met and maybe loved this guy. And maybe he loved me back. But he was self depricating and bitter and sad all the time, and he didn't really want to be saved because it gave him a connection to the normal people, and a pity lay from the higher ups. it tore us up and it made me so mad and still does.

We always think that we should learn our lesson, and then we turn around and do it again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
Shame on me for thinking that this new person was different. Shame on me for thinking that he would help himself enough to let someone else help him.
No one will ever hear his side of the story.
And that is the biggest tragedy.
Because he has such a story to tell.