sometimes...


...i sit on the bathroom floor and think
...i wonder if love will find me, or if i will have to go looking for it
...i forget to change facial expressions
...i think about the babies i will have
...i cry for no reason
...i cry
...i am bitter
...i am jealous
...i drive too fast
...i want a boy just because he is taken
...i wish i were prettier
...i feel dumb
...i feel vulnerable
...people look past me
...my parents look old
...i yell in the car
...i hate everything
...i fell like i'll explode if one more person sticks their noses into things they know nothing about
...i wish i could go someplace where no one knew me
...i write

...i am everything i wanted to be

Let me spell it out for you.

I a-m n-o-t l-o-o-k-i-n-g f-o-r a l-o-n-g t-e-r-m c-o-m-m-i-t-m-e-n-t.

I d-o-n-t n-e-e-d a m-a-n t-o d-e-f-i-n-e m-e.

I w-i-l-l b-e i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t a-s l-o-n-g a-s i w-a-n-t t-o b-e.

I w-i-l-l n-e-v-e-r s-t-o-p b-e-i-n-g m-e.

I a-m s-t-i-l-l l-o-o-k-i-n-g f-o-r t-h-e p-e-r-f-e-c-t k-i-s-s.

I a-m s-t-i-l-l l-o-o-k-i-n-g f-o-r t-h-e p-e-r-f-e-c-t m-a-n t-o g-e-t o-l-d w-i-t-h.

I k-n-o-w w-h-a-t p-a-i-n i-s. S-t-o-p a-c-t-i-n-g l-i-k-e y-o-u a-r-e t-h-e f-i-r-s-t o-n-e t-o f-e-e-l i-t.

W-e a-l-l a-c-t. I-t-s t-h-e o-n-l-y w-a-y t-o g-e-t b-y.

S-o-m-e-t-i-m-e-s f-o-r-g-i-v-n-e-s-s i-s o-u-t o-f t-h-e q-u-e-s-t-i-o-n.

S-o-m-e-t-i-m-e-s b-e-i-n-g s-t-u-b-b-o-r-n c-a-n k-i-l-l w-h-a-t y-o-u l-o-v-e.

I-t-s a-l-l u-p-h-i-l-l. T-h-e-r-e i-s a-l-w-a-y-s m-o-r-e.

N-o-w i-s n-o-t a-l-l. T-h-i-s i-s o-u-r w-o-r-l-d. O-u-r p-r-o-b-l-e-m-s t-o f-i-x.

O-u-r l-i-v-e-s t-o l-i-v-e.

I am looking forward to

college
marriage, and subsequently, morning sex.
traveling
getting a job
babies
retirement
life


tomorrow.

i am here.
with the Jigi and the cav.

This promises stories.

i am rereading On The Road.
Which would be great except for that now i have free time, so i am practicing(good) and wanting a road trip and foreign and cities and travel.

There is nowhere to go but everywhere.
“No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy, even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending solely on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength.”

I would play sega with harrison ford.

I just heard the word douchebaggery.

Oh yeah.

oh yeah man.